a series of seemingly unrelated thoughts.

It's been a week filled with victories and disappointments. With hope followed by confusion followed by hope. I curse myself over and over again for not finding the right thing to say. I'm finally given a chance and I sputter out a few words and flash an awkward smile. I promise, I'm so much better when I write it all down.

The sun is starting to come out. I'm torn between waves of relief and the sense that time is running out to set it all on fire before it's forgotten. Summer is the season of all things temporary, and it's only a blink away.

It's ironic that I'll be spending the summer here. The more specific you get the funnier it becomes. 

You know that stretch of America between here and the West Coast? I've been there before, but I always wondered what I'd find if I just hopped in my car and wandered through it.

I had a feeling...

in·tu·i·tion/ˌint(y)o͞oˈiSHən/Noun

1. The ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.

2. A thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.

Intuition is a funny thing. How is it possible that we are able to understand something based solely on a funny little feeling that we have? Or are all moments in which intuition comes into play just coincidences?

I think we all like to think that we have a sort of "sixth sense" that allows us to just know things. Why? Because we like feeling special. We like feeling like we have some sort of edge on other people because we have gut feelings that other people don't have. But the more I thought about this whole idea of "intuition," the more I began to make sense of it. It all has to do with our brain.

You see, our brains are funny things. They pick up things that you don't remember picking up on. They have thoughts, they have fragments of thoughts, and sometimes they just take things that we're not really focusing on and they store them for later. So I think that intuition really has to do with our subconscious knowing things that our conscious mind doesn't explicitly know.

For example, I'm pretty good at telling when people are lying. I could strut around all day and attribute it to my intuition-- some inherent ability that I have to bring out the truth. Or I could use logic and say, "Hey, I was surrounded by liars growing up, and even got to be pretty good at it myself for a good while." Imagine that. I'm really not a naturally gifted truth seeker after all. I've just picked up on people's mannerisms and such for so long that I don't even have to consciously think about it. I just know (ha!).

People say I'm too logical for my own good. And maybe when it comes to emotions and stuff they're right. But it's times like these that I'm glad I actually take a moment to think things through.

I haven't really written anything of substance lately, and I'm sorry.

All at once I feel sought after and ignored. Enlightened and lost. Confident and riddled with doubt. Is it the weather that keeps changing, or is it the things that drive me, that inspire me, that lift me up and send me crashing down? For the first time in my life I'm unsure of every decision I make. I keep choosing and choosing and choosing, waiting for some sign that the choices I make are right or wrong. But it's never clear enough. It's wandering in the desert, expecting an oasis just beyond the next rise... and then making it to the top only discover more sand on the other side. Do I continue? Am I still going the right way? Was I ever? There's nothing but sand all around me, and I'm dying of thirst.

All I want to do is escape. To live like a vagabond with no home and no plan and no decisions to make beyond my next meal, my next route, my next destination. But running away won't solve anything. It will leave me hollow, unfulfilled. Always running, always searching, never finding whatever piece of me is missing. So I stay. Sometimes I choose, sometimes I think, sometimes I wait. Sometimes I speak, sometimes I listen. Sometimes I act. And sometimes I hide. But is hiding all that much better than running away?

I never expect answers to just come to me, but I always expect to find them eventually. But it's been days, and weeks, and months and I only grow more and more unsure of myself. I ask myself the same questions, day after day, trying to look at them from every angle, but finding that's they're all the same.

I keep telling myself that everything works out. Everything works out. Everything works out, everything works outeverythingworksout. This is it and that's okay.

But I'm adrift at sea. All I can do is wait to be washed up on the shore.

Instructions for Life

One day, in a moment of sunshine and magic induced clarity, I came up with these rules for life. I guess they're not rules, exactly, but they're sort of ideas that I like to live by.

1. Let's not get hit by cars.

2. The pen is mightier than the sword... but just in case it isn't let's bring a back up.

3. Everything works out.

4. Never apologize while playing frisbee.

5. All things in moderation.

They seem absolutely ridiculous. And honestly, they were kind of meant to be. See, the list itself is sort of its own set of rules: first of all, don't take life so seriously, and secondly, what you think is the most important thing may not actually be the most important thing.

So I guess I'll go through them and explain what they all mean to me.

1. Let's not get hit by cars. Easy enough: survive. Don't let something stupid (like getting hit by a car) kill you. Live through all you've gotta live through, as long as you're living.

2. The pen is mightier than the sword... but just in case it isn't let's bring a back up. This is a little more ambiguous. As a writer, this is just a reminder to do a couple of things: to write about everything, and to always be prepared to face my problems, in case I can't write them away. And also just to have a plan B in any situation.

3. Everything works out. This is arguably the most important and meaningful rule for me. Why is it number 3? Like I said before: what you think is the most important thing may not actually be the most important thing. I also like that it's at the center of the list. And it's true, right? One way or another, everything works out.

4. Never apologize while playing frisbee. For me this translates to: stop worrying so much. Frisbee can be competitive, sure. But at the heart of the game it's just a bunch of laid back people who want to have fun. Sometimes it's a competitive sport, but most times it's just people throwing around a plastic disc for fun. So don't be embarrassed or apologize if you throw it the wrong way or if it's nowhere near the person you were throwing it to... because frankly, it's not a big deal. And don't worry about the little things in life that you stress out about, because they're probably not that big of a deal either. (And if it is, see rule #3).

5. All things in moderation. Everyone knows this rule. It pretty much speaks for itself. But I think we tend to forget about it sometimes: we overwork ourselves, or we overindulge, or we over analyze... It's just good to keep reminding ourselves not to overdo it.

And just in case you're looking for more a more legitimate set of rules, here's a list that a lot of people think was written by the Dalai Lama, but it actually wasn't (they're still pretty awesome):

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three Rs:

Respect for self

Respect for others and

Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realise you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

I particularly like numbers 8, 16, 17, and 19... although I need to work on number 19 a bit...

random facts about me

... because having my own blog isn't narcissistic enough. ;)

• I'm really good at giving gifts
• I have massive amounts of respect for Quentin Tarantino
• If I had large amounts of disposable income I would spend it on traveling
• I don't think I've ever seriously considered a career that actually makes money. Unless you count middle school when I wanted to be a scientist.
• I really hate math, but I'm good at it. Or at least I used to be, until it became optional and I stopped taking it.
• I'm a huge advocate of education reform for pretty much every level of schooling available.
• I don't believe in "types"; I believe in standards.
• Guerrilla art is my favorite kind of art, because to me it does what art is supposed to do: it makes people look, and it makes a comment on society.
• I firmly believe that nice people finish last. Unfortunately I'm one of those people.
• I really like persimmons.
• I get antsy when I have nothing to do. So I end up overloading myself with work and stressing out.
• I think I have really nice hands.
• I'm a vegetarian who eats fish. Technically that makes me a pescetarian, but I feel like I don't eat fish often enough to be considered a pescetarian. I don't miss meat at all.
• I don't think I can live without writing. 
• M. Night Shyamalan is a douche for making The Last Airbender (okay, so that's not about me, but it needed to be said).
• I don't really have a best friend. At least not one that I wasn't romantically involved with at some point. I wish I did.
• The person that inspires me most is the Dalai Lama. Ask me about it some time.
• I love having conversations with strangers. 
• I do nice things for people to make up for being so selfish sometimes. It allows me to feel more at peace with myself.
• I think my cat, Coco, has mastered the art of Zen.
• Music isn't a big part of my life. I think it's because I'm always living in my own head. I feel at home in the silence.
• I have a scar somewhere on my head from volcano ash.
• I was born in the Philippines. 
• Ever since I was little I've always wished I had an older brother.
• I love me some Ultimate. I've never played frisbee golf.
• I like making lists.
• I like the Atlantic Ocean better than I like the Pacific. But I'll probably end up on the West coast. 
• I have a thing for tall guys. I already know what Freud would say about that.
• I'd rather have small get togethers than big parties.
• I'm a big fan of friend-dates. No one I've talked to seems to like that term, "friend-date." I guess I can see why.
• I value good conversations.

That's all, I guess.

New Horizons

I made a life list. Also known as a bucket list, but life list sounds much less morbid.

At first I was just doing it for fun. But as I began to come up with more things to put on the list, I started thinking pretty seriously about everything I was writing down. In a crazy sort of way, it allowed me to really re-evaluate my life and what's important to me.

While looking over my list again, I began to think about just how much time I spend worrying about the future and stressing out about life in general. I don't remember the last time that I experienced something fun and meaningful and life-changing. I do a lot of introspection and I'm always trying to find meaning in what I do, but the last time I was really able to completely take myself out of my usual environment and immerse myself in an experience was Outward Bound. What I wouldn't give right now for another week on that sailboat off the coast of Maine... no motors, no cabin, no heat, no technology. Just a boat, a tarp, the ocean, and the stars.

Or maybe a road trip. Out west to California, Seattle, Vancouver... or back home to Boston and Portland. With no plans, just a map and a journal.

And once I save up enough money, actual world traveling... Spain, Greece, New Zealand, Argentina... so many places I want to see.

Part of me wants to just run off on my own and discover the world. Another part of me wants to bring someone that I'm close to. Another part of me wants to go off on an adventure with a near-stranger and see how much we can learn about each other.

I made a promise to myself: provided I don't die an untimely death, I am going to do everything on this list. Maybe some of the things on it are a little ambitious, but they're all realistic and doable.

I realize this post is a little unfocused, but that's kind of how my life is right now. It's all over the place, but I'm slowly piecing it back together. And in the process I'm finding that pieces that fit before may not slide in as easily as they used to... but that's okay. Because everything works out.