Facing the Past

I didn't mean to come home for Spring Break, but somehow I ended up here anyway.

In a way, I've been dreading coming home ever since Josh and I broke up. I wasn't really sure why until I got up here... the simple truth is that everything reminds me of him. And I didn't want to face any of it. I didn't want to see the people who would ask me about it. I didn't want to miss seeing the people I was so used to seeing before.

The first night I was here, I had a long talk with Nana about life and everything that's happened in the past three years. We talked about Crista, we talked about the Soehners, and we talked about Josh. She said that, in a way, Josh and I saved each others' lives. And I couldn't agree more. We found each other in the middle of a very bad time in both of our lives, and we helped each other through it all against the worst of odds.

Aside from Nana, and perhaps my own mother (and even surpassing both of them in a lot of ways), Josh was one of the most important people in shaping who I am today.

I know our break up wasn't as hard for me as it was for him. I know that. But that doesn't mean it wasn't hard. When I lost Josh, I lost my best friend. I lost the only man I had ever loved. I lost one of the few people who knew and really understood all that I've been through.

Was it the right decision? Yes. Do I regret it? No. Do I miss him? Absolutely. You don't spend three years with someone and walk away like nothing happened. My heart might not be broken like his, but it still aches from the loss.

Anyway, this is getting to be to blubbery and too personal.

Toward the end of our conversation, Nana said that we crossed an important bridge in our lives together. And when we reached the other side, we had to stop holding hands.