Questions

I find it incredibly ironic that after all I've been through, I have trouble taking care of myself. Don't get me wrong-- I know how to take care of myself. I just... don't.

I guess I didn't even realize I was doing it until recently. Several of my friends have expressed concern for my well being, and it's forcing me to really sit down and re-evaluate my current state. I don't ever get enough sleep, I  haven't been eating well, and my anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm unproductive, I'm unmotivated, and I've been relying heavily on the company of those closest to me for emotional stability.

I guess when it comes down to it, I know (better than most people) how to survive. Because that's all I did growing up. I survived. And as they say, old habits die hard. Despite the fact that I have a great deal of resources to get me through any hardships, I take it upon myself to deal with my own issues. I'm very private when it comes to my own emotions and struggles, and the one thing I almost never do is ask for help. From anyone.

Instead of taking care of myself, I get done what needs to get done and push all other issues to the side. Instead of letting other people know what's going on, I spend hours alone trying to work them out for myself. I survive. 

But sometimes it gets to be too much, and sometimes I have to let people what's going on. But it's always the same. "Hey, I'm going through a lot right now and I just had a crazy break down, but don't worry, I'm fine now and I'm handling it." "Hey, I've got a lot of work to do an it's entirely too overwhelming, but don't worry, I've got a plan." "Hey, I'm not getting enough sleep and I've already skipped class twice this week, but don't worry, I'm working it all out."

I'm handling it. I've got a plan. I'm working it out.

I can't just say it: "I would appreciate some help."

When I was in Chicago this weekend, I went to the Art Institute and saw an exhibit piece by Peter Fischili and David Weiss called "Questions." We sat in a dark room, and a projector would project different questions on the walls in all different languages. One of the ones that struck me was "Could I put my everlasting effort to seem normal toward something more productive?" It made me think about the way my life has been for the past couple of months. Could I put my everlasting effort to appear normal into really taking care of myself?

So, I'm taking steps. I'm going back into therapy for a bit, just to get my thoughts and emotions straightened out. I'm going to start running again and sleeping more to get my body straightened out. I'm going back to my old eating habits and I'm going to see a doctor to get my health straightened out. 

Hah, listen to that-- "I'm taking steps." "I'll take care of it."

So maybe I'm not quite there yet.